THE SAGA CONTINUES!!!!!!!!!!!!

AVIEMORE, MARCH 2005, SCOTLAND. THE PIMPS OF OLD REJOICE IN FUNK, AND ALL I WANNA DO IS GO BACK!

There are times in life that you never want to end, Wed 16th - Sun 20th of March will go down in my mind as one of those times.

I woke around 9am and roamed around Castle Rothenstien looking for the final items to pack for the main event. As I enetered the lounge I saw a hungover looking shagsack on my couch which I soon realised was me old m8 Buckfast, he looked in a state of midream and semi conscioussness but before I could begin the usual morning conversation with him ("How's it goin ya fanny") the whole house began to shake violently. I thought "bollox we're not in earthquake country", but this f*cker was in the high 8 scale. I was being fiercely shaken towards the epicentre when I realised it was coming from my spare room. I colided with the door and it flew open to reveal the horrendous source of this natural disaster; It was Pit, he was snoring so heavily that he was floating Exorcist style several feet off the deck blissfully unaware of the demolition job he was doing on my neighbourhood. Car alarms goin off, buildings collapsing, children screaming, air raid sirens sounding, people running around the streets screaming "THE ALIENZ ARE HERE!" (you get the picture), and Pit, lying there in king coma. It was then I remembered "Yeah I picked the Swedes up from the airport last night", they have a strange knack of hypnotising you like Ka from The Jungle Book, feeding you beer and snus and causing extreme memory loss. I gave each of them a swift kick with the size 12's and hollered "Knees to the breeze in 5 minutes Shitbirds!" Suprisingly they responded quickly, and following a big round of McRothy's bacon&cheese McMuffins we were in the car heading to Glasgow Airport. This was not before a stop at the local shop for double 6 packs of beer for tha brothas Swede, they would no doubt have perished and spontaneously combusted if they had to go 3 hours without a beer. Whilst in the shop Buckie headed straight for his favourite poison (Buckfast), looked at me with the eyez of a str8 up madman and said "Roth, I has been waitings for thissssssssssss" he reminded me of Gollum in the Lord Of The Rings when he sees his preciousssssss. I was standing there thinking "brilliant, I get to drive 3 hours non stop to the highlands and my bro's from Scandonavio get shitfaced on the way up", opportunity arose at this point when Pit said "Hey Rothy is this beer anygood?". He was holding a 6 pack of Tennents in his hand, this is a Glasgow brewed lager that is probably about the same as having a skunk piss directly down your throat. My sneaky streak took over and I said "Yeah Pit, that ones a winner", LOL he bought 12 cans of the panther piss! Needless to say within 5 mins of our journey the 2 of them had sparked a can and said "WTF is this shit? it tastes like vomitt", I replied "AYE LADS, THAT'LL PUT HAIRS ON YER ARSE!". The resulting laugh made the beer go down a little easier I think.
Anyway, as I was saying we were on the road to Glasgow Airport for the most famous gathering in the history of humankind, my moby was getting bombarded with messages as eager Pimpy's everywhere psyched for the funball of the century tried to home in on our location. My moby rang and Pit did the hands free thang for me (held it up to my ear), on the other end I could hear Majorius Rosolino with his consistently jovial tone of voice saying "Howdy Big Fella! are we ready for takeoff?", "Certainly my man" I replied. I could hear Rangi sounding off in the background "Is that Roth? Is it party time? Are we going to go mad?Does he have the sheep onboard?". Whilst trying not to crash the Pimpmobile and listening to Buck goin "Gimmie their number, I call them now" whilst swiggin his can off dogpiss, I was informed by Roso that they had a fine cargo of Squadoso and The Queen Of The ConG and were close on our tail headin into the airport. The blower went again, and this time it was the roadeatin speedteam of FoXdude and Slatzster tearing the highway apart in Foxo's road legal dragster. I told them I was about 5 miles from the Airport, to which Fox replied "We are about 60 miles away dude , we'll be ther about 10 minutes before you", damn that dude can drive. So we had our own little wacky races crew heading to Glasgow to pick up The Online Gaming Machines from Holland. Me and tha Swedes moved through the arrivals area and clocked the flight in from Holland had just arrived so we positioned ourselves strategically around the perimiter ready to ambush tha 3 amigos. The human traffic started filtering through the arrivals gate slowly when Buck said "There's Jap", Pit and I turned quickly to lock onto the target and sure enough out came the out came our Old Comrade, Man Of The World, Pain in the ass at the ConG, Japie. Closely followed by another Old Brother In Arms Godspeed, looking as calm as he always sounds on TS, next to him was Moore, the crazyest mofo in online gaming who looked primed and ready for action. The 3 of them had that "WTF have we let ourselves in for" look, as they strolled up and we bid them all welcome. The only slightly disconcerning thing was the amount of luggage these guys had with them, I mean it basically looked like they had emptied the entire cargo of a 747 onto their trolleys. "We're gonna need a bigger boat!" I thought. The greetings passed in a very cool and relaxed way, but under the coolness Jap had a slightly confused look on his face which looked like he was trying to say to me "WTF Roth? I know we spoke about how great it was gonna be when we all met, and it is, but this is still nutz dude". Now we were 6, and we made our way back towards the entrance to meet up with the other Pimpys. No sooner were we at the main entrance when I heard that familiarly friendly voice of our (BRBR)Family Man Foxman sayin "Hello you big bastard you" which was followed by a hearty so this is what you look like exchange, I then turned to see our master flagrunner Slatz standing with the same look Jap had earlier , we shook hands and as I did so I turned to look at Foxy and said "HELLOOO DAVVVEEEE!", at which point Slater buckled laughing (A League Of Gentlemen joke I new would shatter the ice). It was big hugs all round as the crew got bigger and bigger, and hey the last 4 were still to arrive. Right at that moment about half the crew burst out laughing and beckoned the rest of us to turn around and look outside, within a second we were all on the floor at the spectacle crossing the road towards us. On the left we had Maddie holding a Scottish flag lookin slightly scared at the 3 men walking alongside her. 1st was Squadie who also had a flag but was sporting the finest Gucci style (BRBR) sweater I have ever seen and a "See You Jimmy" hat (Tartan hat with bright orange hair sticking out of it), next was Major Roseus with his trademark Billy Ray Cirus Howdy Parntner Cowboy Hat, some tip top rags, Scottish Flags and that I'm about to wreak havoc look on his face, he was also carrying what looked like a massive set of testicles in his hand which we later found out were the property of George The Haggis, a loveable creature that Rosey had been rearing by his own hand, fattening it up on C Rations ready for a Huge Feast in Aviemore only to slaughter the poor Haggis before leaving because he was too big to fit in the car (GEORGE R.I.P) . The highlight and showstopper though was our Crazy Kiwi Rangolio. Surrounding his usual earthy NZ smile, was a getup the likes of which is only ever rivalled at drag queen events. On the feet were some 304BC sandalls slapping along the ground as he closed in, hanging off his waist was some mad kiwi 3/4 length sarong style thang flappin in tha wind, over his Tshirt were a bunch of "Aint gettin on no plane fool" Mr T gold chains (I'm suprised the local Glasgow neds didnt appear out of the sewers and wrench these from his neck). And ontop, another "See You Jimmy" hat just to cap it all off. The Reservoir PimPs Walk towards us was one of the funniest things I've seen in a long time, and following it we had a great reunion with Rang n Rose, and a cool 1st meet with Maddie n Squad. Things were gettin a little carried away though and the thought of an Airport cavity search wasn't really an option so I hollered "Saddle Up, Lock N Load!" and we made our way out to our PimPchariots. The 3 cars were sittin in a convoy at the side of the road leaving the airport with everyone tring to solve the impossible job of getting Japie's bag into one of the cars when I got a tap on my shoulder "ELLOELLOELLO, you cant sit here son, you'll need to move Now!". Shit, it was the cops, the group has only been together for 5 minutes and allready the Police are involved. "It's ok Opstiffer" I said "We'll move straight away". Just as well he didnt ask to search the cars "12 people were arrested today at Glasgow Airport with illicit substances and bondage equipment" doesn't look good on yer record. We hopped into the cars and sped off to the solace of the Highlands. In PimPMobile 1 was Myself, Pit, Buck and Jap, in PimPMobile 2 was Rango, Rose, Squad, and Tha Bitch, and in PimPDragster 3 was Fox, Slatz, Speedshank and Moore. I did notice Moore was swiggin Bacardi straight from the bottle before he got in and I thought to myself "God help the rest of you guys".
 

Our journey started pleasantly with Jap settling into clanmeeting life very well, enjoying the conversation, throwing little niuggets of his own in like "Nice car Roth" and "Man Scotland is very grey". What was concerning me was the way The Brothers Swede were tearing into the dogpiss Tenents lager and gettin louder and louder. "Brilliant" I thought, 180 miles with 2 gibbering cocksacks screaming at me every 5 minutes to pull over so they could piss. Pit even threw a can at Jap saying "Just f*ckin drink it man, it's shit but you can join us in the journey of drunkennessssss", what a salespitch eh? Japie drank it all the same. We motored out of the city and were moving steadily along the road north, every now and then PimPMobile 2 would overtake looking like a tickertate parade, what with all the flags, gags and haggis testicles hanging out of the windows, PimPDragster 3 would also slingshot by with dastardly Dave putting pedal to the metal and the others hanging on for dear life. After about 30 mins sure enough my fears were realised, "Roth! pull over man, we need to peeeeeeeeeeee", Buck had been on his new mobile to the others since we set off (How big was you bill dude?) so after shouting "bunch of bloody pissheads" and telling Buck to pass on the word that we were stopping, we pulled into the Little Chef car park and I let out the exploding bladder crew. I pooped a snus into my mouth as all the drunks sped out of the cars towards the trees, this was followed by the cries of "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH" and "OHHHHHHHHHHHHH" and "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE", (I hope they were pissin). I had a quick chat with Maddie who must have been competely overawed by the whole getogether being the only female in the crew, she was handling it very well though. I also noticed that Foxy and Slatz looked a bit worse for ware and when I enquired further I found out that Moore had basically taken over the whole car, was still drinking straight Bacardi and tellin them that they had to play hid CD's of 1,000,000 BPM Industrial Techno nonsense over and over again, LOOOOL. The poor guys, now I didn' tfeel that it was that bad afterall in my car. I wondered why Godspeed didnt look on edge but was later to find out (and this will reoccur throughout the story) that the man sleeps for Holland. In fact he sleeps for the entire Universe, and not just at nighttime, all the time, the guy hibernates in a way that puts bears to shame, and if you are all wondering why he is so good at the ConG, it's because it's the only thing he comes out of his self induced coma for. Anyway, once the drinkers had finished emptying their bladders and peeps had a smoke we set off again. The A80 is a crazy road at the best of times and Rothy was not really on his game today, as I went to pull out onto the main road I realised that we were all going to die as their was a 60 ton juggernaut coming towards us so I slammed the car into reverse and hit the accelerator. Unbeknown to me Rangi had nudged his car to within about 6 inches of mine so when I heard a resounding thump I thought "O God, we are gonna die". I looked in my rear view mirror to see the 4 of them pishin themselves laughing whilst trying to tell them if they didnt back up like right f*ckin now, there was going to be nothing left of PimPMobile 1 in the next few seconds. Luckily enough Rangi managed to stop laughing for long enough to hit reverse and allow Rothy&Co some more time on the planet. I got out my car and began laughing histerically, partly at Rangi who was falling about saying "It's ok man, there's no damage" , and partly because I was so pumped up with fear at our impending death that I had to release something. Our journey continued with Bucky constantly on his phone telling everybody "Hey Man, I'm going to f*ck you", "Yeah , you aswell, I'm going to f*ck all of you" followed by "Nah man, I'm just kidding". Jap was sipping his can of dogpiss slowly and chatting with me about the finer things in life. And Pit and I were catching up on worldy affairs and his neverending quest to track down and marry Jordan. More toilet breaks insued on the way up, with Slater and Foxman looking more and more drained as the journey went on, and Moorey boy looking more and more drunk. Lots more funky drinving and general PimP chat and 2 hours later we were approaching Aviemore. The Cairngorm Mountains came into view, still snowcapped and menacing and a sign appeared "Aviemore 5", yehaaaaaaaaaa finally we were almost at base camp. We stopped to check the directions and very soon were driving along the road on the approach to Aviemore House.

The PimPMobiles cruised along the street, all I could see were curtains being pulled back a little as our neighbours for the next 4 days checked out the new tenants "God Help You ALL! The BEER BEER BUNCH IS HERE". There were looks of pure amazement on all of our faces as we realised the true magnitiude of the palace that our trusted Wararranger (BRBR)Slater had unearthed for us to spend our holiday in, infact I dont think anyone spoke as we digested the beauty of the house (Nice work Ricko). Getting into the place though was a whole different kettle of fish, I mean the place was like Fort Knox. After reading the instructions several times we got access though and poured inside. Did I say the place was impressive? Well that aint really doin it justice, it was magnificent, it had everything: a kitchen that looked like something outta Beverly Hills 9025461010 (or whatever the hell it's called) with a huge breakfast bar and dining table, an adjoining games room with TABLE FOOTBALL (which was to become the focal point of our fine evenings to come), a lounge with pluch couches, an audiofile hi-fi, big TV showing Skysports, bedrooms (8 in all) with en suites and room for all our PimP robes, a balcony at the rear for stargazing, and a huge garden for falling around drunk in late at night. It really was THE MUTZ NUTZ! Room allocation was as follows: Room 1: Roth,Rose and Rangus. Room 2:Pitpantz, Bucktron, Moore. Room 3: Tha Queen. Room 4: Slatz n Foxpop. and downstairs in the dungeon Romm 666: Clixy and Speedo, OH yeah and Squado's room? He didn't have a room as he never slept a wink the whole holiday (BRBR)Edvard Norton. The keeper of the castle was coming to show us around in 1 hour so we all threw our bags into the rooms and had a table meeting to discuss the supply run for the first evening. My mind was focussed on one thing: ALCOHOL, but following some creative discussion most of the ideas coming from our increadible cook Chef Rose, we had a list of goodies that would keep any normal bunch fed and watered for months (It lasted us 1 night, LoL). A group of 5 trusted scouts (Chef Rose n Rangi, The Swedes and Tha Queen)were sent out to pick up our rations for the evening, the Dutchies were looking like a bunch of crackaddicts in my direction for some herbal remedy I had procured from my local herbalist, and me, Squaling and The Fox chilled and discusses the gamepplan. Squadie hadnt slept at all the night before and looked a little peekit (Scottish for Half Dead) but assured me he was ready to party hugestyle, he was to become our resident Tyler Durden as the days passed. Our supplyscouts returned and Rangi's Mondeo was pullin wheelies due to the ridicullous amounts of alcohol stuffed into the boot of his car. The huge load was brought into the kitchen when the Aviemore House Welcome woman arrived. I hadn't even been able to spark a brewski and had to accompany her on the giuded tour, everyone else was tucking into their booze mountain and Moorey boy was verging on assfaced and becoming increasingly vocal as I tried to hurry this woman up. Almost pushing her through all the rooms saying "Yes I now how everything works" and telling her all sorts of codshit like "We are a company of computer programmers from all over Europe. Whilst here we plan to visit the tourist attractions, do a spot of climbing and frequent the local watering holes" and "No, there's no chance of us being loud, reckless and wrecking your precious holiday home Mam". Finally she left and looked a liitle less than convinced that my story was legitt. AHHHHHHHHH, a BEEEEEEEER, Squadosy passed me a Stella and things got underway. I spent the next 30 minutes rigging up the hifi with my MP3 player ready to play a compilation CD I had spent 2 days creating for this event. It was all ready to go when I realised I had left the bloody CD at Castle Rothenstien "DOOOOOOHHH". Buck came up to me with the bottle of champagne I had brought and said "Maybe we should share this out and do a welcome to everyone". We all moved into the kitchen, and after an impromptue speech by Rothy it was time to let the madness begin. Chef Rose prepared us all the perfect 1st night party feast of Pizza and Chips which was devoured in a style not to far away from the movie "Zombie Flesheaters" then the serious drinking began. The Swedes had brought some of that fine delicacy that you heard all about in the Sweden article "cancer" ( you can read more aptly named treat in that writing)

Anyway the party was kickin off nicely and I was making a point of going around the whole squad gettin a feel for the group. So here's a quick overview, ladies first:

Godspeed (oops sry dude)
Madwoman: Our Clan Queen, respect to ya babe! Just as she is on TS, cool, sexy, tons of fun, drinks wine by the vineyard.
Squadie: Our Pimpcasanova Ed Norton No Sleep Longtime (BRBR) Dude. Down to earth with one of those infectious laughs, big help, big heart and general Royal Funklord.
Slatz: Our AllIn, Snowboardin, Flagrunin. Dopeclotheswearin, Unphasable YorkshireLad. A sense of humour well beyond his years, sharp as a razor and in real life an absolute scream.
Foxman: Our Resident Familyman, ALLround GoodDude. Salt Of The Earth Surfer who partys hard and wakes all the slackers up with is early morning routine.
Chef Rose: Our HoojPersonalilty,Funlovin,Make A Feast Outta Nothin, PowderPukin, Fancydress Wearin,Table Football Masta, BillyRayCirus Sportin Xtreme'o.
Rangi: Our SuperIntelligent, Gag Creatin, Hugehearted, Ribtickling, Best Advert For New Zeland, Crazyassed Kiwi, who always gives his all for the cause.
Japster: Our Supercooled, Supermatured, Lightnin Reflexin, Marley Smokin, Hipclothin, HappyDude who can party like a Scotsman! @()
Godspeed: Our Silentnight, Ultracalm, I'm Only Awake When It's Gaming Time Man Of The Orient. VC&Tablefootball Speedo, Rothy will have revenge :()
Moore: Our SuperCaliFradullousDicExpiAliArnoud, Nonstopoperation WeedIncinerator. Tablefootball Guru.
And last but not least Tha Swedes:
Buckfast: Our Songwritin, Charismatic, HighTempo, HighSexdrive, BuckieGuzzlin, Soulbrother Of The Family, I'm just kiddin Buck!
Pitbazz: Our Cruisin At 37,000ft, Funkadelic, BeerDemolishin, UltraExecutive, Big Snus Lippin, Man Of The World. It just keeps on gettin better dude!